From Mindful Loving Introduction When most couples seek me out to help them solve their relationship problems, they usually arrive with certain expectations. They hope that as a psychologist I will help change the partner, making him or her more loving, more understanding, less angry, or less baffling. And they believe that if these changes occur, then they will be happy together. Through the years of working closely with both individuals and couples, I have focused on helping my patients solve many of their conflicts by getting at the roots of their personal issues so that they could experience satisfying personal growth. But it wasn't until I experienced a very personal turning point, an epiphany to be exact, that I finally understood how I might best help my patients with their persistent, pervasive, relationship problems. Amazingly, I could finally see a path to helping them not simply alleviate the pain of conflict, disappointment, and suffering in their lives and in their relationships, but learn how to achieve lasting, indisturbable happiness and love. The story of this epiphany and where it led me is the subject of this book. It is the story of how I discovered an amazing convergence of science and spirituality, and how I found a solution to our human suffering-in a mystical place where science and spirit meet. But before I tell you that story and share with you the theories and ten very simple practices that can help you and your partner heal your relationship, I want to give you some background on who I am and how an agnostic, perhaps atheistic, scientifically minded psychoanalyst came to write this book on spiritual practices for healing relationships. My spiritual journey began after college, when I went to theology school at Emory University for three years in order to become a protestant minister. Strangely, I do not actually remember deciding to apply to theology school. Since it was the one profession most esteemed throughout my extended family, I suppose I applied automatically in order to gain family approval. However, it took only one semester to learn that theology school was not leading me to the truth I was seeking, and by my second year, I considered myself an agnostic, perhaps even an atheist. I was certainly not a theist, for I had stopped believing in the traditional concepts of a medieval, flat-earth "sky God," a deity that was far removed from us humans on earth. This concept of God as someone who lived in a geographical place in the sky had lost meaning for me because it felt so alienating. I was also troubled by the church's language and liturgy that portrayed us human beings as separate, little, and powerless, and as unworthy sinners. As a result, I constantly questioned such theistic precepts in all my courses, and so was greatly surprised when I was elected by the faculty as the "Outstanding Senior of the Year." Could it be that my sincerity in questioning is what resonated with the faculty? I took it as such, and this conclusion only spurred me on as I continued to question and search for answers to what was missing in my life. Specifically, I was compelled to understand how I might be able to help relieve suffering in the world and lead people to find more peace and therefore happiness in their lives. Wasn't this, after all, the role of the minister? But after my degree in theology, I continued my search for answers and was inspired to earn a master's degree at Boston University [S.T.M.] in psychology and pastoral counseling while serving a stint as a parish minister in Massachusetts for four years. In order to do so with integrity as an agnostic, however, I rewrote all the liturgy so that it would be more humanistic and spiritual. I did my best to convey a God that was present and everywhere and, most important, within us--instead of the separate and apart, judging sky God who had to be called upon and beseeched to be present, as was part of the standard liturgy. I wanted my parishioners to feel connected to God in every aspect of their lives--body and soul--and help them make this connection real, vital, and tangible so that they would feel better equipped to deal with their pain. Again, I was compelled to help them find joy, peace, and happiness. While many parishioners were very happy with my rewritings and found new meaning and inspiration in their religious practice, some were clearly upset by such changes in ways of thinking about God and spirituality in general. Increasingly I knew that the parish ministry was not my place, especially since it had not been a conscious decision, but rather an attempt to gain love and approval from my family. I then thought that to practice psychotherapy as a psychologist would allow me to be of greater help to more people in rising from their human suffering. I was now in the midst of a rebellion against much of my past, ready to overthrow most of my previous religious and moralistic (but not moral) teachings. I relinquished my ordination as a minister and soon enrolled in a Ph.D. program at Boston University, where I straddled two departments, clinical psychology and psychology and pastoral counseling, and took an extra year to fulfill the course requirements for the Ph.D. in each. Although I would view it differently today, the pastoral counseling side began to seem somewhat superficial to me. And though I found clinical psychology exciting, it still left many gaps in my understanding of how to really help people in emotional or spiritual distress. So, after earning my doctorate, I concluded that if I entered training to become a certified psychoanalyst, I would then find the rest of "the real truth" about mankind and about life. Surely, I thought at the time, the depth of psychoanalysis would lead clients to greater understanding of themselves, which in turn would help lift their anxiety, depression, or despair--their emotional suffering stemming from psychological issues. The four years of postdoctoral psychoanalytic training added significantly more knowledge and skill to my repertoire of ways to help people, and the great majority of my patients seemed to grow and resolve many of their problems. Yet soon I came upon the limitations of the Freudian psychoanalytic process, which seemed unnecessarily slow and not applicable to many problem areas, especially in the area of relationships.* In fact, all this focus on oneself, essentially an analysis of the ego, often seemed to increase a sense of narcissism, thereby increasing a person's sense of powerlessness instead of the opposite. And by and large, relationship problems persisted--conflict, anger, and disappointment seemed to reign and problems between partners seemed to be solved only temporarily. * The newer forms of psychoanalysis emerging today, such as self-psychology, intersubjectivity, and the two-person model, are much more relevant and helpful for relationships. Before long, while still in my psychoanalytic training program, I concluded that there should be a well-grounded postgraduate training institute where therapists could get advanced training in the integration of the various psychotherapeutic approaches, rather than just having to choose a system that demanded one's full allegiance. This was an era when the psychoanalysts, the behavior therapists, the Gestaltists, and others each claimed the right answers to the best way to achieve personal growth. So, I, along with four esteemed colleagues whom I invited to join with me, founded a postgraduate training institute in New York City that would train psychotherapists (psychologists, social workers, psychiatrists, and psychiatric nurses) to work in an integrative way, hence the title, the National Institute for the Psychotherapies. Both personally and professionally, I had now moved out of the dogmas of both religion and Freudian psychoanalysis. My patients advanced further and faster, but few finished their personal-growth work with an ability to live in a real state of joy and inner peace most of the time. Like my patients, I felt that I had not yet realized true joy and peace in any lasting sense. I still yearned for an inner peace that could not be disturbed, a sense of empowerment that would not leave me at the effect of people or events, and a pervasive love and joy that would not be so dependent on current circumstances. And I wanted the same for my patients. What was the answer? After so many years of training and practice, I still had not found it! Sadly, it became apparent to me that neither traditional religious nor traditional psychotherapeutic practices were sufficient to deal with the massive problem of human suffering or deliver its opposite--indisturbable joy and peace. Finally, a profound turning point came when I was invited to spend a weekend in a seminar with Dr. David Bohm, one of the world's most esteemed theoretical physicists. In a weekend seminar, Dr. Bohm presented us--a group of forty psychotherapists and psychologists--with a discussion of the similarities between the recent discoveries of new physics and ancient mystical thought. We sat together in a sequestered room in Manhattan as this captivating scientist began to unfold the true nature of the reality that we observe with our eyes. He explained that the reality that had been measured by sticks and weighed by gravity was only a tiny fraction of the universe as it really exists. Over the course of a weekend, Dr. Bohm literally showed us that there is much more to reality than what we observe or experience with the five senses. By using the principles of quantum mechanics and particle physics, he showed us that at this invisible level of reality, everything and everyone is interconnected in a most profound way. And we are not only connected to one another as human beings, we are also connected as mind, energy, and matter--to one another and to all living organisms. This interconnectedness leads directly to the idea that there is a consciousness or intelligence that underlies all that is visible and it is this consciousness that gives us humans power beyond our imagination. These ideas were astounding to me not only because our being connected--as energy and matter--in the physical universe gave me insight into the world in which we all live, but also because it put me on a path of discovery in which science and spirituality converged. When the first day and a half of the mind-stretching seminar was completed, I returned home elated, confused, and exhausted. The next and final day of the seminar was on a Sunday, which brought an unanticipated surprise. Upon awakening, I felt a strong urge to go to church, an urge which I had not felt for at least fifteen years, not since I had rejected the medieval theistic concept of the "flat-earth sky God out there who is separate and apart from us" that had permeated the services and practices of the churches I knew as a young man. At first I was embarassed at the thought of returning to the thought of returning to the scientific meeting and saying I had been to church. But my inner voice encouraged me to go anyway. Another surprise followed almost immediately upon my entering the church. The service was just beginning. As I sat and listened, I found myself reinterpreting all the liturgy, the words of the hymns, the prayers, the scripture, and even the sermon, all in the light of the new physics. I reinterpreted the words of the liturgy to reflect joining rather than separation, wholeness instead of badness, total worthiness instead of unworthiness, and being One with God rather than God as separate from us and outside of our reality. I felt moved to the very core of my being. It was as if I had just discovered a brand-new world. It was indeed an epiphany as I sat through the service with tears welling in my eyes and repeatedly rolling down my face. It was truly an unexpected mystical experience that I would never before have imagined my scientific mind allowing. The very ideas I had rejected before now came alive for me for the first time. I got past the limiting, man-made, religious terms and narrow and limiting views of God and was able to go deeper, to the very root and essence of their meaning--their original source. I began to see "God" very differently, and as this happened, my concept of who and what I am began to change as well. When I returned to the seminar three hours late and told them where I had been and about the epiphany I had experienced, I was greatly surprised to learn that almost all the other attendees had felt a similar urge, Christian and Jew alike, and wished they had found a way to honor that inner urge as I had. Finally my life made sense to me! If we are all connected in the universe, we are connected to God--not the pie-in-the-sky God, but a divine essence that is all around us, as well as inside of us. Through these theories of new physics I saw that we are all part of God and God is part of us. What a different and wonderful way to view both God and man! This was the catalyst for my turning upside down all my previous ways of viewing the world, who I am in it, and who and what all others are as well. That seminar initiated the process of my reexamining everything I thought and believed, leaving little unturned. The words often repeated by Dr. Bohm inspired me: "Perhaps there is more sense in our nonsense and more nonsense in our 'sense' than we would care to believe." Essentially I arrived at one central premise: If we as human beings are all interconnected, then there are enormous implications for understanding how relationships work-both positively and negatively. As I came to realize that how I design the experiments of my life actually determines what the outside reality will appear to be, I began to apply this understanding to relationships. I came to see that my participation in any relationship--even what I am thinking about myself or the other person--has a profound effect on its quality since there are no separate objective realities. This means that I possess the power to actually affect what happens in my relationships, becoming a cocreator in the quality of interaction. The more I examined my beliefs, my thoughts, and my perceptions, and began to view myself and the world differently, the more often I felt free, more empowered, worthier, and happier, increasingly trusting that all things in the present and the future will work together for good. I began to see problems as challenges--as lessons to be learned. And I discovered that an insane world does not have to cause me suffering in my relationships, and that my power of decision, particularly with regard to how I perceive someone or a situation, can bring me joy and peace instead--even in the midst of pain. The implications for all of our relationships, especially those we deem special, are profound! We are not only connected in the universe, we are participants in this connection. This means that we create, shape, and choose our own reality, especially as it exists in our relationships. As I learned how to change my perceptions of my marital partner, I saw that my happiness lay not in what I could get from her, but in my choosing more often to love her without expectations of what I might get back. I learned that when I was able to love her without strings attached, she often became more loving, sometimes with her love wrapped in very different-colored packages than I was asking for, yet these new colors were often richer than what I was requesting. I also learned that when I did not do this consistently, I would instantly create pain for myself and often for her. And of great importance, I came to understand her not so much as a separate objective reality, but often as a mirror of my own attitudes, thoughts, and perceptions. For example, if I thought critical thoughts about her, she was more likely to be critical of me. And if I thought loving thoughts of her, she seemed to be more loving toward me. I was receiving back what I was thinking inside. Perhaps the most significant learning resulted when my wife did not respond with love, even though I thought I had been loving. Increasingly, I learned to view such times as an opportunity to be in touch with my love within by choosing to extend it to her, realizing through each experience that I could therefore never be without love. All my years of training and practice had provided psychological understanding and knowledge, but I needed this extra spiritual piece to solve the puzzle of why so many of our relationships are caught in a quagmire of pain, misunderstanding, and a seeming lack of love. Once I had changed my view of who we all are--mainly seeing our unlimited power, love, and potential to create--I was able to dramatically alter my ability to help people. Since I no longer saw us as locked in by our genes, our body chemistry, or our early conditioning, I was able to lead my clients to a new awareness of their own power to choose joy and peace over misery and conflict--especially in their most important relationships. In the years since my epiphany at Dr. Bohm's seminar on the new physics, I have been researching, testing, shaping, and fine tuning both the ideas and the practices that have evolved into this book. I have studied Western and Eastern philosophies and religions extensively, as well as all the major psychotherapies. I have observed with great fascination and joy as the men and women, individuals and couples, discover remarkable empowerment to affect their reality and cocreate their relationships. I have witnessed with pleasure and satisfaction the transformation of so many of their relationships from being marked by disappointment to being filled with peace, joy, and boundless love, and the capacity to remain centered in difficult situations. And now I would like to share these with you. In this book, I will describe a number of ways this knowledge and insight has worked for me and for my clients, and how they can work for you. I am presenting a means by which we can become more awake, more conscious, and access more of that unused 90-99 percent of our brains--our god self--and own our inner capacity to create our relationships as happily as we choose. Specifically, I am presenting you with a choice: would you like a relationship-whether that be in the context of a marriage, partnership, family, parents, or professional--that is spiritually based? Would you like to be able to learn how to lift your barriers to love and, through the power of thought, free yourself from the inevitable unhappiness and conflict of relationship based on the ego? You will discover a clear and simple--yet profound--way to heal your relationships, which is especially important for those relationships you deem "special." You will learn how to transform your marriage or partnership from an ego-based relationship, which is mired in conflict and almost always doomed to cause unhappiness, into a spiritually based relationship, which is based on unconditional love and the power of thought to create joy, peace, and fulfillment. The book's process is designed to lead you to become aware of your divinelike essence within and access the incredible power of your thoughts to change your interactions in your relationships. Although theoretical in places, this book is highly practical--it is concerned with what actually works to heal our relationships and ourselves, giving you tools you can use in everyday life. During the course of the book, you will find ten powerful psycho-spiritual practices that will help you to uncover your True Self and heal your relationships at the same time. In healing your own mind, you are also healing the relationship, and by healing the relationship, you uncover your True Self, for the practices you use to heal one, heals the other. In Chapter One, I will introduce you to the concept of the spiritual marriage, showing you how different it is from a relationship that is ego based, in the first of the Ten Spiritual Practices. In Chapter Two, you will learn the central aspects of our True Self and how science can help us to realize our True Self and make our relationships places where our greatest emotional and spiritual growth can occur. In Chapter Three, you will discover something about yourself you may not be aware of: that your thoughts control your feelings, behaviors, and beliefs. And that once you harness this power of thought, you can literally change the outcome not only of your experience, but the quality of your relationships. In Chapter Four, you will begin to see how to break into the vicious cycle of interaction that takes place in ego-based relationships by learning Practice 2: the thought-monitoring exercises. In the next chapter, you will learn two more exercises, Practices 3 and 4, to help you transform your relationship from ego based to spiritual--making a perceptual shift and seeing others as mirrors. In Chapter Six, you will see how by going further upstream into your identity, Practice 5, you can erase the effects of traumas and the negative beliefs that grew out of your painful experiences. This step further helps to break the vicious cycle of interaction, bringing you closer to your True Self, which in turn brings healing to your relationship. In Chapters Seven and Eight, you will learn to differentiate between counterfeit "love" and Empowering Love through Practices 6 and 7. Once you are able to lift your barriers to love, your natural ability to love freely and unconditionally will flow, bringing healing and transformation to all your relationships, but especially to those that you deem special. In Chapter Nine, you will learn further how to trust in the power of your True Self to solve your relationship problems and create happiness, peace, and joy by the freedom and release found in the power of surrendering your ego, Practice 8. In Chapter Ten, you will access an even deeper knowledge of the True Self through Diaphragmatic Breathing and Meditation, Practices 9 and 10, enabling you to have a tangible experience of the spiritual dimensions of yourself. Finally, in Chapter Eleven, I will present a controversial idea: that some relationships, no matter how good or spiritual your intentions, cannot be healed enough. And in these cases, divorce may be the answer. I am neither advocating divorce nor telling you when or why to do it, which is always a personal question and decision. But I am showing you a way that you can approach divorce so that it is not only less painful, but also spiritually satisfying: this is the point of a spiritual divorce. Intention alone doesn't mean that you or I will be perfect in our practices or successes. But each moment brings an opportunity for a creative choice that can totally turn around and heal a difficult situation, one in which a miracle can be accomplished. And we can make such choices over and over, moment by moment, resulting in a cumulative sense of an overall transformation in our relationships. This does not mean that you will necessarily stay in a relationship or leave, but whatever you do will come from a place of peace and love within. While the content of this book may be welcomed by many with open arms and minds, others may find it unbelievable and wish to argue with me. Others may find it frightening, since it represents a very different way of looking at others, the world, one's self, and at relationships in particular. At times the ideas presented here will deviate considerably from the characteristic thinking of our tribal mind. Such a shift in our thinking is necessary, for if we continue to think in the way in which we have always thought, we will continue to be disturbed in our relationships. The only true answers will come from your own experiences of actually doing the practices presented here. So I ask you to consider approaching the ideas presented in this book with an open mind and a willingness to examine all of your cherished beliefs. Through this process, you will come to distinguish your wishes, hopes, and illusions from your experience and therefore be able to choose between wanting a spiritually based relationship or an ego-based relationship. So for now, I would like to pose a few questions: In your close relationships, would you like to experience:
Wouldn't these changes fundamentally change all of your relationships? Perhaps, as Thoreau wrote, you might need to follow the beat of a different drummer--but now the drummer is inside! Will you join me in this journey?
Note: The identities of all the people in the case studies have been carefully protected. Not only have names been changed, but also circumstances, sexes, locations, and even central issues have been altered. Sometimes the cases are actually composites of several people in order to disguise actual identities. ----Reprinted from Mindful Loving by Henry Grayson by permission of Gotham Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc. Copyright © Henry Grayson, 2003. All rights reserved. This excerpt, or any parts thereof, may not be reproproduced without permission.
Copyright © 2005-2008 by Henry Grayson, Ph.D. |